Tough Times and New Goals (long)

Hi. First of all, I want to thank everyone who commented on my blog or through email. I had a really, really bad weekend, and it just overwhelmed me. I really didn't think anyone was reading this blog, so I didn't think twice about venting here. Thank you so much for all the support and encouragement. I especially want to thank Lyn at Escape from Obesity for her encouragement.

The picnic on Saturday was a disaster. I didn't eat too much or binge or anything there. My husband works for a company that keeps two-thirds of its workforce as temporary employees through an agency. My husband is one of those. The picnic was for everyone, but only the regular non-temp employees could take part in the activities. So basically, we were allowed to eat and watch. This isn't something they announced ahead of time. Maybe it was PMS, but this really aggravated me.

Then we found out at the picnic that next week the company is laying off most of the workforce for one or two weeks. While this isn't going to kill us, it was hard news to take when looking around at all the money the company spend on the carnival rides, concessions, and games at the picnic.

The picnic was held on the college campus where my son attends school, so we visited with him for a bit. It was a good visit until the end. Then he drops the bombshell that he needs a few hundred dollars for a trip he is required to take for his major. This also wouldn't kill us, at least not by itself. But on top of the layoff, I was panicked.

We live in a very economically depressed area. My husband was out of work for two years before he started working at this factory. My son has been unable to find a part-time job while in school because all the fast food and retail jobs that college kids would normally have are being filled with middle aged people trying to support their families and pay their mortgages. My job is pretty good, but we are still struggling to recover from the time my husband was unemployed. I feel like I've been in crisis mode for the past 4 years, and this weekend it was all just too much.

A friend invited me to a movie, and I went. I wanted to forget everything for a little while. So I drowned my sorrows in movie popcorn. The good news is that I didn't go completely off the rails into a binge. The bad news is...well, movie popcorn.

I've gone over our budget and options several times, and I think I have a plan to handle both money problems now. But I don't think I can handle the added stress of calorie counting right now. For a little while, my grocery list will be more about money value than caloric value. I'm not planning to just eat mindlessly or binge, but I'm going to eat what my budget dictates.

The gym is there whether I use it or not, so I might as well use it. This blog is about getting to Walden and trying to deal with my emotions in ways other than food. I can still do that. So here are my new plans for the next month or so.

• Continue exercising and racking up the miles to Walden.
• Continue tracking everything I eat. This is for my own awareness. I'm not trying to follow a calorie count. I won't be posting what I eat here, but if you want to follow me on My Fitness Pal, my username is conniebug76.
• Practice mindful eating by being aware of my emotional/hunger state when I eat. Food is food, not a friend.
• Meditate for 8 minutes every morning and every evening.

So there it is. Again, thank you to everyone who reached out to me. It helped more than you know.

One last thing: last Friday I made it to the gym, and I went again last night. Both times I was able to get 1 minute of vigorous activity. Now that I know what it takes to reach that level, I'm going to try to extend that time. The numbers below reflect the addition of those two workouts.


1307.51 / 2.17/ 1286.44

Finally Made It to the Gym!

Yesterday I actually  made it to my gym! I had some other errands to do, so I didn't stay long. But I managed to get one mile closer to Walden. Woo hoo!

My food was under goal, so that was great. My dinner was pretty high in fat with the Hollandaise sauce, but it's not something I make often. Eventually, I'll pay more attention to fat, sodium, and protein. Right now I'm mostly concerned with not binging, not feeding my emotions, staying under 1570 calories, and making exercise a habit. I definitely need more consistency on the last one.

Here is my food from yesterday.

Breakfast: Breakfast bar. 90 calories
Snack: Apple slices. 36 calories
Lunch: Cheddar, almonds, broccoli, and fat free ranch. 287 calories
Snack: Pretzel chips and hummus. 180 calories
Dinner: Chicken croquettes, turnip greens, and sliced tomato with Hollandaise. 856 calories
Snack: (not pictured) Lemon Italian Ice. 60 calories

Total calories: 1509 calories   Under budget!

As you can see in the photo, I also did 1.07 miles on the treadmill. I'm going for 2 miles tonight. There is one thing that bothered me about my workout last night. I wear a Body Media tracker. I'm supposed to get 45 minutes of exercise a day: 30 minutes moderate and 15 minutes vigorous. As much as I tried to push yesterday on that treadmill, I couldn't get up to a vigorous level. See:

That's my workout at 4PM. My normal brisk walking pace is 2.8 mph. I use 3.0 as my baseline on the treadmill, bumping it up to push myself, and going back to 3.0 when I need to. I thought that those high speeds would push me into the yellow, but apparently not. I've never been able to go faster than 3.3. Maybe I just need to build more muscle before I can go fast enough to be vigorous. I don't know. I'll try to stay in the higher speeds tonight and see where that takes me.

Tomorrow is going to be a challenging day for me. My husband's employer is throwing a huge picnic for all the employees and their families. There will be prizes given away, rides, and free concessions of hot dogs, pizza, funnel cakes, nachos, etc. for four hours. I really want to go and just not think about food, but I am committed to staying on track now. So my plan is to have a very low cal breakfast, a low cal dinner, and use the majority of calories at the picnic. I'm going to eat the foods I'd like to eat, but I'm going to eat small portions, track the calories, and not pig out. I'm going to focus instead on spending time with my husband, walking around and people watching, and getting to know his coworkers.

Wish me luck!

1307.51 / 1.07 / 1288.61 

Post Anniversary Report

My anniversary weekend was wonderful! I didn't keep track of calories, but I did not overeat--not even once. I don't just mean that I didn't binge; I didn't overeat. I stopped when I first started to feel full. Also, I didn't obsess over food. Usually on a trip like this, everything would be planned around the meals. Where do we eat? How many restaurants can we squeeze into one trip? How many of my favorite foods can I have? I didn't do that at all. I was so relaxed and happy spending time with Michael, I didn't even notice the food that much. We went to a festival that I know had concession stands right behind where we were sitting, but I couldn't tell you what was being sold. It just wasn't as interesting as talking with my husband and watching the boat races and people.

When we were ready to eat, we tried new places. I'm not usually big on trying new restaurants. What if it's not great? What if we "wasted" a meal on food that was just "okay" when we could have had my favorite meal at this other place? But I didn't do that. Food was just not the focus.

This may seem totally normal to some people, but it is a totally new thing to me. I've spent most of my life avoiding as much interaction with people as I can. Eating is a great way to avoid talking to people. But I didn't feel like that on this trip. It was a revelation. Maybe this is how normal people eat?

This morning we had another birthday breakfast at work. I had a spoonful of apple oatmeal that I brought, half a donuts, one slice of bacon, and a cup of chocolate milk. I also talked to someone new, which is also a big deal for me.

I have to work late until next week, so I haven't been hitting the gym at all. I hope to change that after this work project is finished. I'm still planning to make it to Walden Pond, so I will have to really step up my game.

Mostly, I'm just really proud of myself for this weekend!

1307.51 / 0 / 1289.68 

Gearing Up for Change

Last night's trip to the carnival wasn't too bad. I was only a little tempted by the food, and the prices were so astronomical that no matter how tempted I was, I doubt I'd have bought anything. I was also able to watch my son rock out on stage! That was fun.

This morning I walked the dogs as usual. I think it's getting a little easier to climb that hill the third time around.

I've planned out all of my meals for the coming week paying close attention to calorie count. I even left room for a couple of snacks! When I start posting on Monday, you'll quickly notice that my breakfast and lunch are the same everyday. Those are the two meals I'm most inclined to skip, so it's just easier if I make them the same. That way there isn't much work or thinking involved with it. I'm picking up my groceries tonight. Tomorrow is Day One of building better eating habits. Wish me luck!

I'll also be posting some measurements soon, so I have a good idea of where I'm starting out. I'm surprised to find that I'm excited about this. I still have such a fear of failure. I really hope I can stick to it. I want to so badly.

Here goes nothing!

1307.51 / .5 / 1297.68

It's Time to Commit

Yesterday, I ended up having to work late, so I was only able to get in half a mile before I had to go home. With my dog walking this morning, that gives me a full mile to add.

I noticed a couple things while I was exercising last night. One was that I really hate my gym. It used to be a movie theater, and it's dark and creepy. It's also geared towards athletes and sports fitness, which can be intimidating. I used to go to a different gym that I liked much better, but my employer pays for most of my gym membership if I go to this one. So paying $5 a month instead of $35? I'll deal with dark and creepy.

The other thing I noticed was my thighs. I have huge elephant thighs. I always knew that. But last night I noticed that with every step on the treadmill, my leg would move forward, and a few seconds later my thigh would catch up, usually as the rest of the leg was going back. I never noticed they move that much. It was freaking me out.

I kept noticing how much my body jiggles the rest of the night. It was the first thing on my mind this morning. I really never noticed this before. I always knew I was huge, but I didn't think I was blubbery.

So I have decided to stop fooling around and start counting calories again. I'm going to actively try to lose weight. This is really scary. I'm already afraid I can't do it. I'm already sure I'm going to fail again. I just want to put it off. I also want to start right now.

As it happens, I'm starting Saturday. There are two reasons for this. We have practically no food in our house right now (except leftover mac and cheese). So by the time I plan the food and buy the food, it will be Saturday.

The other reason is that festival outside my office all week. I've done so well. I haven't gone out there once. I've looked out the window a lot because the stage is across the street, and in the afternoon the bands come to do their sound checks and whatnot. Well, tonight I have to go. My son is playing as part of a percussion group. My husband, youngest daughter, and I will go to see him and spend a couple of hours looking at the booths. I'm not going to binge while I'm there, but I'll eat something because the concert is at dinner time. We will have dinner at the festival, but I'm going to look for somewhat nutritious offerings. I could do better if I'd had time to plan (or buy groceries). Maybe I can talk them into grabbing something else on the way home. I don't know; we'll see.

So I entered my weight loss goals into www.myfitnesspal.com. I've used lots of food logging sites, but I think theirs is the most user friendly. If you want to friend me there, I'm conniebug76. My starting weight is 290 as of this morning. My goal is to lose 100 pounds. That still puts me on the heavy side according to the charts (I'm 5' 9"), but it's less than I've weighed as an adult. I'll think about losing more as I get closer to that goal.

According to the site, I should eat 1570 calories a day and do 30 minutes of exercise 5 times a week in order to lose 2 pounds a week.

Now that I know what I need to work with, I'm off to plan some meals.

1307.51 / 1 / 1298.18

Mac & Cheese Revelations

Well, I managed to stay away from the funnel cakes across the street and the free community picnic (BBQ, slaw, macaroni salad, green beans with bacon) that started as I was leaving work.

I also walked our three dogs this morning. My property is on the side of a hill and is shaped like a triangle. So the first leg around is relatively level, the second is uphill, and the third is downhill. I do okay walking around with the first two dogs, but by the time I go up that hill the third time, my thighs are screaming, and I am panting and gasping for breath. I'd like to improve there, but at the same time, I'm happy that I can get around twice before that happens.

One of the bloggers (Who Ate My Blog?) I follow for inspiration has started using an app called 2Grand. I thought I'd give it a try and see if I like it. I'm not used to taking pictures of my food, so it took me a couple of days to remember to snap a pic of all my meals and snacks. I finally got everything yesterday, so here is my first complete day of food.

I'm going to do this for a while and see if it helps me stay accountable like this blog does. It also sends me a little reminder to take a photo of my breakfast, and that reminds me to actually have breakfast, something I tend to skip. Since using this, I've eaten breakfast two days in a row! That's a big deal for me.

Last night I made tuna cakes, homemade macaroni and cheese, and sauteed kale and Swiss Chard with onion. I picked up the Swiss chard at the farmers' market in the city where my daughter goes to college. I love big city farmers' markets! We have one in my little town, but there isn't much variety there. It's great for locally grown tomatoes, zucchini, peppers, and pole beans, but that's about it. At the city one there was Swiss chard, dozens of varieties of tomatoes, bread, jams, locally pressed olive oil, green beans, goat cheeses, organic pastured meats, and more! I picked up some paw paws. Paw paws!! I don't even know what to do with them, but I'll figure that out later. I also got the Swiss chard and kale. The Swiss chard was so pretty with it's reds, greens, and yellows. It was a nice change from the spinach I usually eat.

I noticed something at dinner last night. This was my first complete meal made for the family since my older two left for school. Instead of three teenagers, I'm cooking for one (and my husband and myself, of course). For the first time in years, we had leftovers. We had a huge amount of mac and cheese left. Mac and cheese is one of my comfort foods, and it's one of the foods I talked about hoarding in a previous blog (you can find that here).

Well, last night I had my serving of mac and cheese (pictured above), which is about a quarter of what I used to get, by the way. When my husband put away the left overs, he showed me the big bowl of mac and cheese we had left and said, "I guess you have lunch for the rest of the week!" Then my 14-year-old looked at me and said, "Can I please take a little out for myself for after school? I really like it the next day." They both just assumed I would eat the whole bowl myself, not all at once, but they didn't think I'd be sharing.

That really hurt. It hurt because they are right; in the past, that would have all been mine. I would have had it for lunch and maybe even dinner for the rest of the week. Heck, there have been times I made a big pot of mac and cheese just for me! I didn't let the kids have any! It made me feel awful that my daughter felt she had to ask for some leftover mac and cheese that way.

The thing is, even before my family made those comments, I was done with the food. I'd had my dinner, and I didn't want any more. I had already planned things for my lunch this week, I didn't feel like I HAD to have that mac and cheese. I'm not saying I won't have any. There was a lot left, and if there is still some in a few days, I may bring some to work. But I don't feel possessive of it like I have in the past. I'm not sure why I feel differently about it now. Maybe it's this blog and how it makes me think about why I'm eating. Maybe it's because my teenage son is gone, so I know the leftovers will actually make it to the next day (hey, I wasn't the only one who claimed food ahead of time while he was in the house. Teenage boys, especially 6' 3" teenage boys, eat an amazing amount of food). Whatever the reason, I feel really good about it. I was able to turn away from homemade mac and cheese. I was able to share. That's a big deal, folks.

Today, I have my little veggie tray in the work fridge, I've already started on my first glass of water, and you know what else? I brought my gym bag to work today!

Maybe I can get another two miles closer to Walden today. It's time to make some distance up. This is going to be a good day!

1307.51 / .5 / 1299.18

Review of Labor Day Weekend

I knew the weekend would be a challenge. With a holiday and a road trip, I was in for a double whammy. What I didn't expect was an emotional eating crisis, but then those are never expected, are they?

We had to deal with a rainstorm for the entire 5 hour car trip. I'm not accustomed to riding in my husband's vehicle, but mine wasn't big enough to carry all my oldest daughter's stuff, plus her, plus me, my husband, and our youngest daughter. I also felt like we left town too late in the day. I was cranky, the rain on the freeway made me crankier, and eventually all the women in the car were nagging my husband about his driving.

 I finally told my husband to pull off at the next exit and wait out the rain. He grumpily did as I asked and pulled into a gas station off the exit. We went in to use the bathroom. I made a beeline straight for the munchies. That's when I realized that more than being worried about the rain, I made him pull over so I could get some food to help me through all the tension in the van. That's not good. I just bought some water, determined not to let my emotions pick my food.

When we all got back in the van, I explained to my husband exactly what was making me nervous about his driving (funny I didn't think to do that before things got so stressful). The girls gave their opinion on the matter, too. Hubby agreed to drive more slowly, and we headed back out. We made it to our hotel with no further trouble! I was really pleased that I had recognized and avoided a potential binge.

Since it was raining, of course, I didn't get to do any swimming. I did make sever trips up the stairs to my daughters 4th floor dorm, though. I'm not counting that in my mileage, since I have no idea what that would work out to.

I didn't do any more exercise the rest off the weekend. Once we got home, I spent my time giving the house a thorough cleaning now that we don't have any in-between-semester kids there.

This morning, I walked half a mile while walking my dogs. I have three of them, but my older two have always walked at least two of them, leaving me with just my little Maltese (honestly, they often walked him, too). Now that my youngest and I are the only ones home in the mornings, I'll be walking all three, so she can concentrate on getting ready for school. My husband will be walking them in the afternoon. I walk them one at a time, and the total for the three walks is just over half a mile.

My big challenge for this week will be lunch at work. Even though I'm not counting calories yet, I am trying to eat healthfully and mindfully. Enter a festival right outside my office. I mean, literally right outside my office.

                        



                       

Yes, that's a concessions stand on the right. That concessions stand is open from noon until late into the night for the festival. Starting tomorrow, the street will be blocked off and filled with vendors, some of whom will be selling food. Right there. Outside my office. There's nothing like a little temptation, is there?

I knew this was coming, so this morning I brought in enough food for lunch the rest of the week. This way I won't be tempted into getting a deep-fried whatever. I also have dinners planned that are a little less healthy than usual. The may seem counter-productive, but my logic is that planned is better than unplanned. Also, a lot of the draw that carnival food brings is that it's not something you get every day. Well, neither are these dinners. So healthy lunch, yummy dinner, and hopefully I'll avoid the carnival fare.

1307.51 / .5 / 1299.68