My First Challenge!!

 I'm doing my first blog challenge! Gwen at The Sunny Coconut has started the Holiday Scale Accountability Club. The goal is to not gain any weight over the holiday season. It starts today and ends on January 9, 2015.

I know I usually only weigh on the first of the month, but the challenge requires weigh ins twice a week. So I'm going to try not to get too obsessed and weigh on Tuesdays and Fridays.

So my first weigh in this morning showed me at 289.2. That's up a pound from October 1. I was actually expecting it to be higher. I can't say I've made great choices this month with food or exercise.

Speaking of exercise, I didn't go to the gym last night. I had to work late, so I went straight home after. My clothes are still here in the office though, so I will make it in today.

I've been looking at the pretty pictures of fall leaves on other blogs and on my picture of Walden Pond above. I love fall leaves. I love the colors and the way they drift down in a breeze. It's not something I see much of in real life.

I live in northwest Tennessee. We don't usually get much of a fall season here. We get a late summer, then maybe two days of fall, and then...rain. Rain, rain, and rain. Rain that beats the leaves off of trees. Rain that pounds the pretty fall colors right into the mud. By the time the rain stops, the cold has set in, everything is gray and washed out, and there is mud everywhere. It stays that way until it freezes. Then when it's supposed to be spring we get more rain, more mud, and maybe even some snow flurries (not actual snow. Oh no, that would be too pretty.). Then the sun comes out, dries everything up, and we get a week of green leaves, budding trees, and flowers. Then it's summer, hot, humid, and icky. So out of the entire year, there are really only about 10 days I want to be outside. Oh, well.

Tomorrow I'm traveling to the nearest "big town" (I live in a small town. Then you have big town, small city, good-sized city, and big city). It's a 45 minute drive, but I'm hoping it's worth it. That town has a YMCA with one of those machines that measure your body composition and stuff. They let you have two free readings a year even if you aren't a member. So I'm heading there tomorrow to see what I can learn about myself. Yes, I do have a Village People CD in my car. Why do you ask?

IF (and that's a big if. See the capital letters?) it isn't raining, I'm also going to try to do something outside. This summer I tried to relearn how to ride a bike. It's not as easy as people say. I was moderately successful. Maybe I'll go for a ride or at least take my little dog to the park. I just want to do something before I start my 6 month seclusion from the elements.

My Valentine. He's the bestest best thing ever!

I'd like to do more than just maintain my weight during the holiday season, but I'm hesitant to put forth a weight loss goal. I'm thinking instead of having some fitness goals. Of course, getting closer to Walden will be one, but there are other things I'd like to do. I'll have to think about that this weekend.

I don't usually blog on the weekends, so I'll see you all on Monday. Have a great weekend, and if you are somewhere with beautifully changing leaves on the trees, take some time to enjoy them!


1307.51 / 0 / 1286.44

Believing I can Believe in Myself

                                                  

Yesterday Sean Anderson from The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser  posted about believing in yourself. Believing in myself is something I have a lot of trouble with, and I commented as such on his post, asking "How do we get past that?" Sean had this to say:

In my opinion-- the answer is in taking small steps toward what you desire. You don't need belief at first-- but you do need perseverance and a "never give up" attitude to stay in the game. Take it small, take it slow--then, as you go--your belief will strengthen, Connie. I think we must let go of the idea that we need it all perfect before we can proceed. We simply must proceed in the direction and at the speed we can handle at the time...then watch it grow and develop... You'll be believing in yourself before you realize that's what's happening!

Thanks, Sean! I really like this because it goes along with what I was saying about that Thoreau quote that inspired me to start this blog: "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams." It's the whole it's not about the destination; it's the journey thing.

Even if I don't fully believe in myself right now, I can still put one foot in front of the other. I can still move forward. I can still walk to Walden Pond, even if I don't actually reach Walden Pond. You know what I mean?

Last night I had McDonald's for dinner. My daughter had made dinner, but...umm...let's just say it was a nice effort. I didn't have anything fast and easy for back up, and we were starving. So now I know, always have something fast in the freezer to make up for dinner mishaps. I had a burger and fries. I know I should have had a salad, but I'd had a salad for lunch, and I didn't want another one for dinner and listen to me whine and make excuses blah blah blah. I should have had a salad, full stop.

Tonight I'm trying a new recipe myself. I will have something for back up in case it doesn't workout. I am inspired. I can do this thing!

Oh, and I brought my gym clothes to work today.


1307.51 / 0 / 1286.44

A Half Bottle of Coke

Okay, I did laundry last night, but it was all work clothes. Tonight my daughter is fixing dinner, so I will have no excuse to avoid washing my workout clothes.

My daughter is on Fall Break, so she is home this week. (I should have her wash my clothes....hmmm). Monday, we had tornado watches in our area. Rather than leave her alone in our trailer, I brought her to work with me. For lunch we got some stuff from Walmart, and I grabbed a 20oz Coke to go with mine.

Coke is a huge addiction for me. I really only drink Coke and water. And it has to be Coca-Cola. I love the stuff. I love the company. At my heaviest, I drank a 2 liter of Coke every day! It's been quite a few years since then, and I even gave it up completely after I had Lap-Band. After the band was removed, I quickly went back to drinking Coke. I have kept it at 1 can a day for a long time, and shortly after starting this blog, I switched from Coke Classic to Coke Zero.

Well, Monday I drank half of that 20 oz. I figured I'd drink the other half at lunch the next day, so I left it on my desk. Then yesterday for lunch I had a salad. I don't drink Coke with salads. Coke needs something salty or carb-heavy (or both). I still had a Coke Zero at dinner, but I just had water with my lunch salad.

I had another salad at lunch today. So I have a half bottle of Coke that has been sitting on my desk since Monday! This is a big deal. I don't drink Coke by itself. I have to have it with food. There have been times in the past where I got more food at a meal because I still had Coke left, not because I was hungry. Coke was just to wonderful to waste.

Now, this 10 oz. of Coke is flat. I'm never going to drink it, now. But I may keep it on my desk for a little while longer as a reminder that I can break its hold over me when I want to.

My goal for tomorrow: Get to the gym!!! I need to make those numbers down there move!

1307.51 / 0 / 1286.44

Whole30...Should I try it?

Hi everyone! Without going too much into our money troubles, I wanted to let you know that we are making it. I managed to sell some things and cut our expenses enough to make up for what we were going to be short. So that crisis is managed.

I have not binged during this time, but I haven't made good food choices either. I've also been dealing with my monthly cycle. That always messes with my digestion. Not to give TMI, but a few years ago I had Lap-Band surgery. My body built scar tissue around it which had to be removed, along with the Lap-Band and some of my intestine. So some things make my digestive system react in weird ways.

I haven't gone to the gym in the last week. My cycle and my laziness when it comes to washing my gym clothes have kept me home. I absolutely have to do laundry tonight (or go to work in a cocktail dress tomorrow), so I won't have any excuse not to go the rest of the week.

About a year ago, when I was still vegetarian, I was eating a huge variety of vegetables and sticking to a mostly whole foods diet. I felt really good doing that. Then I let life get in the way.

I've been thinking about trying the Whole30 eating plan. I've never excluded grains or dairy from my diet, and I wondered if that might help with some of my non-weight health issues. I have eczema and frequent migraines, both of which I've heard the Whole30 helps with. It might be worth trying this just to get rid of the migraines.

I'm nervous about it because of how much meat I'd be eating. Even though I am no longer vegetarian, I don't eat meat very often. I basically only eat it when I'm away from home. I don't prepare meat at home.

Besides eating the meat, there's also buying the meat. It's been so much cheaper to eat vegetarian. I'm going to have to deal with a lot of extra spending to eat Whole30. For that reason, if I decide to do the Whole30, I won't start until January. That gives me a couple more months to get back on track financially and to research some cheaper Whole30 compliant meals. In the meantime, I can work on cutting the Coke Zero and grains in a slower way.

My husband thinks it is worth it just for chance that my skin problems and headaches go away. He also remembers how much more energy I had when I was eating so many greens regularly.

What do all of you think? Is Whole30 worth the money? Any advice?


1307.51 / 0 / 1286.44

Tough Times and New Goals (long)

Hi. First of all, I want to thank everyone who commented on my blog or through email. I had a really, really bad weekend, and it just overwhelmed me. I really didn't think anyone was reading this blog, so I didn't think twice about venting here. Thank you so much for all the support and encouragement. I especially want to thank Lyn at Escape from Obesity for her encouragement.

The picnic on Saturday was a disaster. I didn't eat too much or binge or anything there. My husband works for a company that keeps two-thirds of its workforce as temporary employees through an agency. My husband is one of those. The picnic was for everyone, but only the regular non-temp employees could take part in the activities. So basically, we were allowed to eat and watch. This isn't something they announced ahead of time. Maybe it was PMS, but this really aggravated me.

Then we found out at the picnic that next week the company is laying off most of the workforce for one or two weeks. While this isn't going to kill us, it was hard news to take when looking around at all the money the company spend on the carnival rides, concessions, and games at the picnic.

The picnic was held on the college campus where my son attends school, so we visited with him for a bit. It was a good visit until the end. Then he drops the bombshell that he needs a few hundred dollars for a trip he is required to take for his major. This also wouldn't kill us, at least not by itself. But on top of the layoff, I was panicked.

We live in a very economically depressed area. My husband was out of work for two years before he started working at this factory. My son has been unable to find a part-time job while in school because all the fast food and retail jobs that college kids would normally have are being filled with middle aged people trying to support their families and pay their mortgages. My job is pretty good, but we are still struggling to recover from the time my husband was unemployed. I feel like I've been in crisis mode for the past 4 years, and this weekend it was all just too much.

A friend invited me to a movie, and I went. I wanted to forget everything for a little while. So I drowned my sorrows in movie popcorn. The good news is that I didn't go completely off the rails into a binge. The bad news is...well, movie popcorn.

I've gone over our budget and options several times, and I think I have a plan to handle both money problems now. But I don't think I can handle the added stress of calorie counting right now. For a little while, my grocery list will be more about money value than caloric value. I'm not planning to just eat mindlessly or binge, but I'm going to eat what my budget dictates.

The gym is there whether I use it or not, so I might as well use it. This blog is about getting to Walden and trying to deal with my emotions in ways other than food. I can still do that. So here are my new plans for the next month or so.

• Continue exercising and racking up the miles to Walden.
• Continue tracking everything I eat. This is for my own awareness. I'm not trying to follow a calorie count. I won't be posting what I eat here, but if you want to follow me on My Fitness Pal, my username is conniebug76.
• Practice mindful eating by being aware of my emotional/hunger state when I eat. Food is food, not a friend.
• Meditate for 8 minutes every morning and every evening.

So there it is. Again, thank you to everyone who reached out to me. It helped more than you know.

One last thing: last Friday I made it to the gym, and I went again last night. Both times I was able to get 1 minute of vigorous activity. Now that I know what it takes to reach that level, I'm going to try to extend that time. The numbers below reflect the addition of those two workouts.


1307.51 / 2.17/ 1286.44

Tired

I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being poor, of being fat, of being unhappy, of being so careful around food.

I can count calories all I want, but that won't pay my electric bill.

I read a blog about someone sipping their coffee in the morning and planning their day. Fuck them.

I get up at 4:30 in the morning. I spend forever in the bathroom because my digestive system is messed up from Lap-Band surgeries. Now that fall is here, I walk my dogs in the dark. It's scary. I rush around trying to get everything done I need before it's time to take my daughter to school. She can't ride the bus because the driver is racist.

I'm tired of trying to figure out how to pay for food AND the electric bill, how to have enough gas for work.

My children in college tell me they need money, even though I made it clear they would be on their own. So now I'm supposed to feel guilty for being poor.

My husband is getting laid off again. But he still has the nerve to say, "I miss having bacon on Sundays." Does he know how much bacon costs? Doesn't he think that if we could afford meat I would buy fucking meat?

My mother has been paying us $130 a month to live in her RV on our property. But she has decided to move, so that money's gone.

We have an underwater mortgage we can't afford on our trailer.

I hate my life. What difference does it make what I'm eating? Sometimes and early grave can be a girl's best option.

I think I'm done here. No one reads these things anyway.

Finally Made It to the Gym!

Yesterday I actually  made it to my gym! I had some other errands to do, so I didn't stay long. But I managed to get one mile closer to Walden. Woo hoo!

My food was under goal, so that was great. My dinner was pretty high in fat with the Hollandaise sauce, but it's not something I make often. Eventually, I'll pay more attention to fat, sodium, and protein. Right now I'm mostly concerned with not binging, not feeding my emotions, staying under 1570 calories, and making exercise a habit. I definitely need more consistency on the last one.

Here is my food from yesterday.

Breakfast: Breakfast bar. 90 calories
Snack: Apple slices. 36 calories
Lunch: Cheddar, almonds, broccoli, and fat free ranch. 287 calories
Snack: Pretzel chips and hummus. 180 calories
Dinner: Chicken croquettes, turnip greens, and sliced tomato with Hollandaise. 856 calories
Snack: (not pictured) Lemon Italian Ice. 60 calories

Total calories: 1509 calories   Under budget!

As you can see in the photo, I also did 1.07 miles on the treadmill. I'm going for 2 miles tonight. There is one thing that bothered me about my workout last night. I wear a Body Media tracker. I'm supposed to get 45 minutes of exercise a day: 30 minutes moderate and 15 minutes vigorous. As much as I tried to push yesterday on that treadmill, I couldn't get up to a vigorous level. See:

That's my workout at 4PM. My normal brisk walking pace is 2.8 mph. I use 3.0 as my baseline on the treadmill, bumping it up to push myself, and going back to 3.0 when I need to. I thought that those high speeds would push me into the yellow, but apparently not. I've never been able to go faster than 3.3. Maybe I just need to build more muscle before I can go fast enough to be vigorous. I don't know. I'll try to stay in the higher speeds tonight and see where that takes me.

Tomorrow is going to be a challenging day for me. My husband's employer is throwing a huge picnic for all the employees and their families. There will be prizes given away, rides, and free concessions of hot dogs, pizza, funnel cakes, nachos, etc. for four hours. I really want to go and just not think about food, but I am committed to staying on track now. So my plan is to have a very low cal breakfast, a low cal dinner, and use the majority of calories at the picnic. I'm going to eat the foods I'd like to eat, but I'm going to eat small portions, track the calories, and not pig out. I'm going to focus instead on spending time with my husband, walking around and people watching, and getting to know his coworkers.

Wish me luck!

1307.51 / 1.07 / 1288.61